It’s the year 2017 and the coronation of President Trump into the White House, with First Lady Melania after a brutal campaign in which his competitors are insulted every which way he can imagine.
He has triumphed over his rival and now archnemesis, Hillary Clinton, by winning the state of New York, where he has promised an rent-controlled apartment for everyone, even if he has to subsidize construction from his own fortune. He wins the South by pledging a gun for everyone as part of a government program. He has won the West by promising desalinization plants and low-cost water all along the coast. Take a journey with me, into the Trump Zone…
January 20, 2017
President Trump addresses Congress and begins promoting his plan to build a wall around the borders. “The bad Mexicans, terrorists and other people from scary foreign countries will no longer invade our borders, rape our women, sell drugs and kill people.”
February 14, 2017
Melania declares that perfume is the national Valentine’s Day gift and promotes her brand of fragrance in the new reality TV show, “The First Lady.” She is criticized for cheapening the office, but has broken no ethics laws. Millions buy the perfume. Congress doesn’t pass any laws.
March 4, 2017
President Trump’s cabinet, which includes construction bosses, high-powered developers, billionaires and celebrities, like Kanye West, suffers from a mass defection because he has threatened to fire all of them so many times. Congress passes a law that a panel must review any departmental firings by the President.
April 1, 2017
President Trump talks to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani and jokes that he has pushed the button and sent nuclear missiles to his country—then he yells, “April Fools!” Iran cuts off all ties with the United States. Congress, united in its dislike of the President, passes a law that forbids Trump to speak with heads of state without the Secretary of State present.
May 17, 2017
President Trump fires all of the “dogs” working in the White House and replaces them with models from the Ford agency. All women working in the White House are blonde and statuesque. Trump proposes a rider to Obamacare that includes breast implants as a necessary expense for improvement of self-esteem.
June 11, 2017
President Trump announces he is divorcing Melania because she has gotten too old to look at. He immediately begins dating his personal secretary, Alexandra. After the media criticizes him, he methodically sues every publication he claims is “slandering” him. Although he eventually loses, he bankrupts The New York Times with nuisance suits.
July 4, 2017
President Trump declares that Independence Day means that the United States should stop importing foreign oil and only use American oil. He approves a subsidy for electric cars, creating a Middle Eastern uproar. All sheiks and Arab royalty boycott Trump hotels and resorts, Trump golf courses and Trump mattresses, and other luxury goods with his distinctive “White House approved” stamp on them.
August 10, 2017
The Treasury Chief warns that hyperinflation is a threat if Trump demands that the mint’s printing presses continue to run without letup. Trump decides to hold an international lottery to help reduce U.S. debt, which has ballooned under his administration. The deficit spending continues at a record pace.
September 25, 2017
China demands that the U.S. pay its debt after its economy collapses. America is in turmoil as citizens pull all of their cash out of banks and hide it in their Trump mattresses. Congress begins impeachment proceedings when Trump tells China’s President Xi Jinping that, “the Orientals will just have to wait, unless they want the country to declare bankruptcy. It worked for me.”
October 31, 2017
Riots break out in front of the White House and the U.S. Army is deployed from stopping gun-toting protesters from overrunning security. A man with a bomb vest detonates himself on the lawn. Pandemonium ensues as President Trump flies via helicopter to a more secure location at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach with Alexandra.
November 12, 2017
Congress impeaches President Trump and Vice President Sarah Palin is installed in his place. She promptly urges Congress to declare war against Russia. A giant tidal wave, the result of global warming, roars onto the coast of Florida and wipes out all beach property. The Trumps are never found.
December 5, 2017
Revolution occurs. Palin is ousted. Bernie Sanders, the Democratic Primary loser, is installed as the new President by a rogue government. He promises to tax the rich fairly, and many of the wealthiest flee the country for their private islands, villas and ranches they’d been buying up in anticipation of a complete economic collapse at their hands. Sanders promises free education, solar power and organic food for all.